The malls have been busy the past couple of weeks with mothers herding their kids into stores to buy school supplies and clothes. When I was a kid, September always meant a few new outfits, a pair of new shoes and a pencil case. When my own children arrived, this fall ritual of clothes and shoe buying repeated itself. My kids didn’t enjoy this activity and neither did I. It was like pulling teeth to get them to try anything on. When high school arrived along with the required dress code of uniforms, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was one store shopping for all their needs and I didn’t have to listen to the complaints about how lame the clothes looked. I simply informed them, “You and your friends will all look equally lame. Not my choice, blame the school board.” I was off the hook. I still hate shopping for clothes especially for myself but this year, I realized that with the arrival of autumn, there was a definite need to update my wardrobe.


It has been three years since I tried on and purchased fall clothing inside a physical store. Oh sure, I’ve bought the bare necessities online but the things I wanted to look ‘nice in’ had been put on hold. I could postpone this task no longer. My wardrobe was calling out to me. “Get me something fitted and new, no more baggy pants and t-shirts.”


There is a reason for my procrastination. Nothing ever fits or looks right on me. The stylish clothes are for ‘tall’ women who are over five feet. Another disadvantage for me is that I have bumps and lumps in all the wrong places. My figure has more or less gone south so I thought I had better do some research on what would look good on this apple shaped figure so that it looks less like – well, an apple.


It appears that the wearing of proper undergarments is the answer to this dilemma. By just purchasing these undies you will immediately shed 10 pounds, eliminate muffin tops and love handles, have great tummy control and boob support, feel and look amazing in seconds and God knows what else. Well, I’m not gullible but I’m desperate so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to check this theory out.


A bra fitting session was first on the list. Apparently, if “the girls” hang down to your belly button, clothes will have a hard time tucking in at the waist. This session was quite the experience and thank goodness the sales clerk was female. I had no idea I was wearing the wrong size all these years. Once “the girls” felt comfortable and were properly in place, we moved on to the midsection.


I was informed that muffin tops don’t look great with jeans. Solutions to this problem are compression garments, shapewear, bodysuits or Spanx – all different names but all trying to achieve the same purpose. As advertised, you will not only visually look slimmer but you may actually get slimmer from all the exercise you do wiggling in and out of these damn contraptions. The elastic in these things would put a loaded sling shot to shame. I could not believe that this high-waisted, mid-thigh short came with step-by-step instructions on how to get into your ‘knickers’. It sounded almost obscene. And God help you, if you need to go to the bathroom while wearing this restrictive outfit. Finally, my mission was accomplished. I was now outfitted with expensive ‘undercover’ items that no one would see. In fact, my budget definitely needed reworked. I was tired, worn out and fed up with shopping.


Back home I once again tried on my purchases and as I looked in the mirror I thought, “Oh for Pete’s Sake Lynda, go put some clothes on.” The shopping isn’t over. In fact, it really hasn’t even begun but tomorrow is another day. For now, I’ll just take off this new, confining, costly lingerie, hang loose and get into my old comfy pants and sweater.