Those of us who are of a certain age, will be familiar with Blue Collar comedian, Jeff Foxworthy who is famous for his one-liners that always start with the words, “You might be a redneck if….”. I like his way of introducing a point, so I thought this format might work when discussing aging. Whether we like it or not, we are all getting older and this process will eventually affect all aspects of our minds, bodies and ways of life. For those of us, me included, who are in denial about this aging process, I have made a checklist to see how far we actually are from that mythical age of 40 where we think we are in our minds, to our actual biological age. These points, which are in no particular order, are from my own personal experiences and observations regarding aging. Try the test and have fun with it.

Before each new bullet phrase below, repeat the intro, “You might be old if…”

You might be old if ….

  • your cardiologist looks younger than your grandson.
  • the first thing you do each morning when the newspaper arrives is read the obits.
  • you and your friends discuss which funeral home serves the best sandwiches.
  • you find a Kleenex tucked up inside the sleeve of your sweater.
  • someone calls you “Ma’am.” (I hate this)
  • the hairs have left your eyebrows and have migrated down to your chin.
  • you start a conversation with the words, “Now, stop me if I’ve told you this before.”
  • your grandkids don’t believe a word you say about your childhood.
  • you use your good china dishes instead of paper plates at special family gatherings.
  • you can’t remember the name of the person you were introduced to just a minute ago.
  • you not only know and recognize all actors over the age of 70, but you also can name all the movies they starred in.
  • you are the only one in your family who has a landline.
  • you see expensive antiques, and you realize they were in your childhood home.
  • you have to check your cell phone to see what day it is.
  • dinner time is served at five o’clock sharp and not a minute later.
  • your entire social calendar consists of medical appointments.
  • you can laugh at and identify with all the old senior jokes.
  • you catch yourself doing things or saying things that remind you of your father.
  • Facebook has an object where you have to guess its name and use, and you realize that you have one in your cupboard.
  • your body has more new parts than old, used ones.
  • you have to decide whether it is worth the effort to bend down to pick up an object, or just leave it and trip over it later.
  • you ask your young grandchild to help download a new app on your i-pad.
  • people are wearing clothing that was stylish in your youth, and now they are calling it retro.
  • you send letters through Canada Post.
  • your communication skills are out of whack. Grandkids can’t read cursive writing, and you don’t understand their shorthand texts – LOL, TGIF, LMAO, etc.
  • you get distracted while in the middle of a sentence, and you can’t remember what you were talking about. Even more embarrassing, is the fact that the person you were talking to, can’t remember what you were saying either.
  • you put something in a safe place, and then you can’t remember where that was.
  • you start taking pictures on your phone to remember where you parked the car.
  • you turn down an invitation to a party because it doesn’t start until 9:00 pm.
  • you spend half your day looking for things.
  • you need an afternoon nap so that you can go out that night and play cards with friends.
  • the most common topics discussed with your friends are operations and medications.
  • you have an entire kitchen cupboard holding nothing but prescription drugs and medical supplies.
  • you realize there is so much you don’t know, but at this stage in the game, you really don’t care
  • your mind and body are not on the same page. Mind says, “You can do it.” Body says, “No, you can’t.”
  • you wonder what idiot is phoning you at 9:00 pm. Don’t they know you are in bed for the night?
  • you have the TV at its highest volume level, plus the subtitles are being displayed.
  • your back goes out more than you do.
  • your kids give you a Lifeline Medical Alert System as a gift for your birthday.
  • your kids start to “parent” you.

Good Lord, I must be ancient as only the last three comments do not apply to me, – yet. Well, nuts to that. I’m not ready to accept any expiry date soon, so I will just keep on a ticking.

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